Harry (seeking_harry) wrote,
Harry
seeking_harry

private



It's been a whole week already, and I don't think I'm ever going to get used to this. I keep forgetting, see, and... forgetting is bad. It takes me a few minutes every morning to not roll over and reach for my glasses and pet Pollux before dumping him on Ron's bed and waking him up. I keep thinking that Ron'll be waiting for me outside of a classroom, ready to bitch about Snape but... Snape isn't here. Then again, neither is my Ron.

I also have to stop concentrating on Tony so much. But, how can I do that? How can I forget that I'm absolutely in love with... someone who isn't really him. That's... what really scares me. Is that person gone? Is Ron gone? Hermione? Did I cut out everything happy in their lives for my own happiness? I'm beginning to think that I did. God help me though, as I just want to go up to him and snog the living hell out of him. And possibly miss a few lessons after that.

And, fuck... Pansy. She and, er, not me must have been pretty close and of course she'd know; Tony, my Tony, would know if I suddenly started acting oddly. The trouble is, I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be doing. And I can't tell her! I mean, sure I appreciate that she's not a complete viper like the Pansy I knew, but at the same time...I dunno, the fire is gone. Sure, she annoys the bloody piss out of me, but now she's just so quiet and sensitive. Woe betide me for declaring that I'd rather she go on about how much of a dirty, stinky animagus I am. And no... really... I don't want to snog her.

Let's not talk about who I want to snog. See paragraph above, Re: Tony.

I'm here now, and I'm going to be a big brother. My Dad is absolutely insane and does strut, bless his boastful Gryffindor heart. And my Mum is as beautiful and wonderful and gentle as eveyone always described her as. And brilliant. And eating way too many milk trays. I'm trying to be happy, and I'm trying to remember that this is what I wanted.

I'm trying, but then I find a hairball under my bed and spend ten minutes memorising everything I can about my Ron and my Hermione and I just want to go home. I can't have it both ways; I can't have friends and someone to spend the rest of my life with... or have my parents. And I don't know what I'm going to do. There, I said it.

I'm being horrible and selfish and manipulative.

And I really can't sleep down here in the dungeons.
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