Harry (seeking_harry) wrote,

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I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and things will be normal again.

I have nobody to blame for any of this but myself, and my recklessness. What the fuck did I think would happen?

I have... a Mum. A very pregnant Mum... and my Dad. Dad, who is funny, and kind and rather smug. I have friends, and I have nothing hanging over my head.

There's also the things I don't have, which are the three most important things to me: Ron, Hermione and Tony. I... I'm nobody to them. Just another fucking random face around here. And I was watching them this morning; Hermione still twirls her hair around one finger and reads over the text for her first class while eating her toast... Ron just looks so lost, and sad. Probably not everyone knows that he's sad, but you see.. I know Ron. And normally I'd lean over and tell him a joke or something, or spill my pumpkin juice on him to shake him out of it. Everyone around him doesn't seem to care, although perhaps Seamus does. I can't explain how... horrible and raw and... I don't know if I can make it here if they aren't in my life.

I can't even describe how I feel about Tony. He's... he was... was. But there was no time to mourn this time around; he's just completely gone and I mean nothing to him. I can't go over to him and grab his hand and it's one thousand times worse than when we weren't together because at least there was that connection there between us. I didn't ever think that I would have to give him up, and I'm not ready to give him up.

Or Ron and Hermione, who apparently don't even talk to each other.

And... Dean. Dean, alive and happy. And Cedric.

But... I never thought it would hurt to breathe until I felt my Mum's arms around me the other day. She sat beside me and gave me what was left of her milk tray and she was so... warm, and protective, I guess. I don't remember what I said to her, and it's a good thing I didn't just break down right then and there, because everyone was watching.

I didn't think, and I did this. I made Ron's life miserable and I took away his Mum so I could have my own. I don't want to think that my parents' lives mean more than Ron and Hermione being by my side. I don't want to think that Dean should die again.

My friends here now, which seem to be Pansy, Draco and Ginny...

Draco, god. Malfoy would likely beat himself up if he knew how he's acting now. And Pansy-- who I am assuming that I'm dating-- is just, er, kind of more like Hermione than she was before. But not... not, exactly. Why would I be dating a girl though? I'm still gay! I mean, you just know these things. I looked around a bit at breakfast, and yeah... still gay. Ginny's not too far off the mark, but Slytherin? What the sod? How the hell did she and I end up here?

And that's not even taking into account every fucking other weird arsed thing around here.

I have a Mum, and a Dad. I have Sirius. I have friends. I *should* be happy.

I don't even know if I can change it back now.

I sound like a spoiled brat, but that's exactly what I am. And now I have to get back to whatever class it is that I'm supposed to be in. I couldn't even tell you what that is. And then I will be having dinner with my Mum and Dad.
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